Got diagnosed with cancer. Got lump removed with half my lung. Simples?
I’ve now been recovering from surgery longer than I was aware I had a tumour even though I had been incubating the lump (named Thor, long story) for three years.
The lump has similar symptoms as my fibromyalgia. This is probably why I didn’t notice I had a Thor growing.
I can’t tell you how well I felt when I came round from surgery. I felt the difference immediately.
I started on my surgery recovery.
It’s a horrible mix. You have to not do anything for what seems like an age. (Massive scar round my rib cage, looks like a shark bite, lots of muscle intrusion and internal rummaging, plus collapsed lung and stuff. Got to be careful not to balls up initial healing process by lifting and all that.)
You need to concentrate on things like breathing, getting up and down stairs, bathroom rituals. SNEEZING. (Omg the sneezing, jeez that was horrendous.)
But then you want to do things, you are sitting in a world of pain and anything is a distraction. Taking tablets is not what I consider an actual activity..
But you can’t do things. You spend an hour doing something relatively small then sleep for four hours as you are that knackered.
This went on for some time.
I’ve been increasing my activity levels as I work on the looming ‘Return to Work’ date. I need to know I can go back to the office and at least be awake enough to get through the time I’m being paid for. (My work are actually very good about this.. I’ve had a lap top at home and have been keeping on top of stuff anyway so….It’s not as scary as it could be.)
Today it occured to me that even though I am recovering from the surgery and the shock that has come from the whole thing, I am still suffering with my fibro.
Stress kicks off a flare. My usual first stress reaction is IBS and, man, has that got bad recently. I have started to cut various things out of my diet like onions and cheese (argh, not cheese, noooo!) And I’ve been so careful with what I’ve been eating anyway as I’ve been so sedentary, I didn’t want to turn into a 28 stone lump.
Also, my back is in virtually constant spasm. Something they did during surgery (probably trying to move an unconscious me, I’m not small) and then I’ve not been able to sleep on my sides until very recently, has made my back hate me. Laying out flat for two months and hardly moving during the night…argh.
Also, we are trying to buy our currently rented house.
Stress much. Oh hell yeah.
Read the spoon theory again today:
This is the BEST way I’ve read of describing how it is….
And it occured to me…I’ve had most of my spoons taken from me. Surgery and recovery have left me very short of spoons.
I’m not totally sure how I fix it.
I spend quite a lot of my time just getting on with things. I honestly don’t know how to do anything else. Sometimes I just forget I’m ill. I’m that used to it. To feeling cruddy. To basing my existence round taking tablets, making sure I’m all done with loo stops and cramming other tablets in for that.
Anyway, I then read this:
This is also all true.
Oh, I don’t even know where I’m going with this.
I’m off to the GP on Friday for the verdict on my return to work.
I will hear soon about the offer made on the house (if that is not a go, I, sorry we, have to find a place to live and move in three months).
I think I’m only just getting my head round things and then parameters change. Boundaries move. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.
I am a control freak. I know this. Anyone who knows me knows this.
I’ve been thrown a flanker, I can tell you.
How do I control any of this???
Answers on a postcard Innit!!
I think I just need to do the keep calm and carry on….. Without any cute memes or logos.
Look. I know this is badly written and very rambling. I don’t know how else to get it out.
I will persevere and see what happens.
It’s all going to be alright. Isn’t it.