Oh God. Another epiphany…

Holy crap.
What a day.

I’ve watched some serious shit on telly whilst working.

One was ‘the boy who wants his leg cut off’ and the other was ‘before I kick the bucket’

Firstly, the strength of this little kid who was having to live with some serious mobility problems and pain. He was such a little dude. And he knew how to express his emotions. His parents were fabulous.

Secondly, the lady who had terminal tumours and no bucket list.. it was a great insight into how someone copes with the shit that gets thrown at them.
She’s a proper awesome person.

So, I don’t know if anyone else ever watches things and puts themselves in that situation…

Between him and her I had an overwhelming feeling of ‘I’m not that bad’.  But at the same time I’m not ok.

And its ok to feel like that.

I have an illness which is not fatal.  I will die with it not OF it. Massive difference.

However, it turns out I have gone through a lot of the same emotions that terminal patients and amputees have.

I am also confused.  I am  stuck in a place where I should be fine really. So I’m fine, right!?

Then I have days where I am floored. And I forget I have a legitimate reason to.
And this doesn’t include recovering from the tumour removal which seems to be going on FOREVER. Or the new little lung related things that crop up just to keep me in the medical loop. (I’m sure the NHS just miss me sometimes).

I am allowed to feel like I have lost something.

My future is not what I imagined when I was, say 20. However, I have no idea what my future ‘should’ have been anyway.  But I still feel like potential has been stolen away, by an issue that makes me too weak to chase after it and get it back. And if I do have energy to snatch even a hint of a fun day back, the payback is emmense.

I hate that. I am allowing myself to hate it.

I have had a good cry today with the people on the tv. They have given me perspective.  And its not ‘oh, there’s always someone worse off than me’, it’s more that shit happens. You dont have to be a frikkin ray of sunshine to still be an awesome person and get through each day.

I can get through each day.  I’m not living each day as if its my last because that would be totally over dramatic, but I am going to appreciate every day for what it is.

If it’s a doing things day, I will do the shit out of it.

If it’s a rest day, I am gonna go with the flow and rest up.

I am not terminal. I do not have to have a limb chopped off. I do have a condition which I will manage on a day to day basis. It will not rule me.

BUT…. I do have to accept the days that are not peaches and cream.

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Oh I love Deadpool… It’s kind of on topic, but what the hell if it’s not. It’s Deadpool and he kicks arse. And its always what my sister says about me and my mum.. 🙂

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