It turns out I’ve pretty much been on shutdown/autopilot lately.
I’ve been going through the motions to get me to a point last Friday when I got confirmation my funky boob lumps where just fatty nodules. *phew* not cancer.
Awesome!!! (I am now part of the cheese boob club..long story, maybe another time)
I was trying to keep my head from wandering too far down the negative road whilst waiting, but just having a feeling it was going to be bad news, and it not being, which is fantastic, don’t get me wrong.. but I’d almost convinced myself it was all going to happen again. It was hard to keep the old chin up.
Last year when I was first told something was going on, it all got a bit blurry and autopilot. It was the run up to Christmas, and just had to make sure that was all taken care of for everyone. And then immediately after it was all kicking off.
I’ve been so looking forward to a great Christmas this year and I am really pinning a lot on it, so the thought of another tumour getting in the mix really got me angry. It bought a lot out of me that I hadn’t realised was lurking.
Turns out I feel very guilty for having such an ‘easy’ cancer..no chemo, no radiotherapy. I was convinced this was a karmic kickback and I was prepared to do it all again and more.
Funny, it’s taken this long and another potential tumour to make me realise I am a survivor and its not “just surgery” I’m getting over.
I am very resilient normally, but this isn’t a normal situation really.
I have not been able to get my head back together. It’s been four days. I’ve done minimal stuff. I’m back to work tomorrow so need to get up on time and go and do that.. I don’t know what insists I get back to it, probably me.
So…. Deep breath. It’s time to *try* to get my head back together. I may not be able to in the next few days, that’s ok.
I will be ok.
Also, I can’t wait for my sister to visit… We both need to see each other (for a hundred different reasons) and we both get such a recharge. (And awesome tattoos, but that’s a different story…)
Anyway, lots of hugs for now. let’s see how this goes.