Another breakthrough. And cheese boobs.

It turns out I’ve pretty much been on shutdown/autopilot lately.

I’ve been going through the motions to get me to a point last Friday when I got confirmation my funky boob lumps where just fatty nodules. *phew* not cancer.

Awesome.

Awesome!!! (I am now part of the cheese boob club..long story, maybe another time)

I was trying to keep my head from wandering too far down the negative road whilst waiting, but just having a feeling it was going to be bad news, and it not being, which is fantastic, don’t get me wrong.. but I’d almost convinced myself it was all going to happen again. It was hard to keep the old chin up.

Last year when I was first told  something was going on, it all got a bit blurry and autopilot. It was the run up to Christmas, and just had to make sure that was all taken care of for everyone. And then immediately after it was all kicking off.

I’ve been so looking forward to a great Christmas this year and I am really pinning a lot on it, so the thought of another tumour getting in the mix really got me angry. It bought a lot out of me that I hadn’t realised was lurking.

Turns out I feel very guilty for having such an ‘easy’ cancer..no chemo, no radiotherapy.  I was convinced this was a karmic kickback and I was prepared to do it all again and more.

Funny, it’s taken this long and another potential tumour to make me realise I am a survivor and its not “just surgery” I’m getting over.

I am very resilient normally, but this isn’t a normal situation really.

I have not been able to get my head back together. It’s been four days.  I’ve done minimal stuff. I’m back to work tomorrow so need to get up on time and go and do that.. I don’t know what insists I get back to it, probably me.

So…. Deep breath. It’s time to *try* to get my head back together. I may not be able to in the next few days, that’s ok.
I will be ok.

Also, I can’t wait for my sister to visit… We both need to see each other (for a hundred different reasons) and we both get such a recharge. (And awesome tattoos, but that’s a different story…)

Anyway, lots of hugs for now. let’s see how this goes.

Another interesting journey of self discovery

For years I have suffered with anxiety. I have had trouble with travel and sometimes even leaving the house.  I get round this by spending a massive stash of cash on taxis to get me to work and wherever I need to be from the house. And mostly, because of my fibromyalgia, I am so tired by the end of my day I have to get a cab home.

I have found, though, that if I am already in town, I can whiz about on busses all over. (Random, huh!?)

Thinking back to when my panic attacks first started, it was after I had had some serious surgery and got back to normal life and I thought everything was ok.

Yeah, “normal”. (You see, I had died. Even though I had no recollection of the event, the Dr’s and stuff tell you about it. I’m sure it changed me on a mental level..I wish they hadn’t said anything really, but you can’t change it)

I have been to therapy with a wonderful woman who helped me so much. I can tap into all the tools she gave me to combat the destructive thoughts and feelings that lead to my anxieties.

What I need to do is find out what the trigger actually is.

Even though I have been through major surgery, it has taken me this long to actually put the pieces together and realise that’s what *it* is.

I have been totally out of control. I have not been in charge of my life. The recovery has been in charge of everything.

Now I stand on the cusp of another set of tests for something which is probably nothing, but could be something that needs attention.

I need to be in control. Well, I need to feel I am in control. This is not currently happening and so my anxiety has blossomed full force.

It’s not just the panic and anxiety attacks, it’s the little rituals I put round my behaviour to manage things. It can be very limiting. I end up battling the very things I make myself to ‘help’ in addition to the initial issues.
This can become quite a repetitive existence. And very, very tiring.

Now I have made this (apparently obvious) link, I can work with actual  information to establish how I work through all this.

Time to start calming down, accepting the things I cannot change, working with things not swimming against the tide, deal with what is put in front of me rather than trying to put a contingency in place for every possible out come of every possible event.

My fight or flight instincts have been working overtime. Too many options!

Calm. dealing with things. facing an uncertain future. Just like everyone else does.

One foot in front of the other.

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