Another interesting journey of self discovery

For years I have suffered with anxiety. I have had trouble with travel and sometimes even leaving the house.  I get round this by spending a massive stash of cash on taxis to get me to work and wherever I need to be from the house. And mostly, because of my fibromyalgia, I am so tired by the end of my day I have to get a cab home.

I have found, though, that if I am already in town, I can whiz about on busses all over. (Random, huh!?)

Thinking back to when my panic attacks first started, it was after I had had some serious surgery and got back to normal life and I thought everything was ok.

Yeah, “normal”. (You see, I had died. Even though I had no recollection of the event, the Dr’s and stuff tell you about it. I’m sure it changed me on a mental level..I wish they hadn’t said anything really, but you can’t change it)

I have been to therapy with a wonderful woman who helped me so much. I can tap into all the tools she gave me to combat the destructive thoughts and feelings that lead to my anxieties.

What I need to do is find out what the trigger actually is.

Even though I have been through major surgery, it has taken me this long to actually put the pieces together and realise that’s what *it* is.

I have been totally out of control. I have not been in charge of my life. The recovery has been in charge of everything.

Now I stand on the cusp of another set of tests for something which is probably nothing, but could be something that needs attention.

I need to be in control. Well, I need to feel I am in control. This is not currently happening and so my anxiety has blossomed full force.

It’s not just the panic and anxiety attacks, it’s the little rituals I put round my behaviour to manage things. It can be very limiting. I end up battling the very things I make myself to ‘help’ in addition to the initial issues.
This can become quite a repetitive existence. And very, very tiring.

Now I have made this (apparently obvious) link, I can work with actual  information to establish how I work through all this.

Time to start calming down, accepting the things I cannot change, working with things not swimming against the tide, deal with what is put in front of me rather than trying to put a contingency in place for every possible out come of every possible event.

My fight or flight instincts have been working overtime. Too many options!

Calm. dealing with things. facing an uncertain future. Just like everyone else does.

One foot in front of the other.

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