Was reading this:
Turns out I have recently been living in my past.
All memory jogging things have been taking me back to the 90’s.
This was a time I felt carefree. I had nothing wrong with me.
School was pretty mad, I was finding my feet, going out, travelling around all over the place.
Getting to college on my own for a year, starting work. doing my own thing with money. You know. The cool shit.
This is exactly the opposite of now.
I miss my old life.
I don’t think I have even started to mourn it. maybe this is what my regression and reminiscent wandering is all about. Maybe I can take this as something to build a new me.
As I approach 2016 I know I am going to do “New year, New me”. cliched, but true.
I’m not going to be allowed to not. This is what the diabetes has forced me to address. I must lose 42kg and eat healthier. I will also be doing directed exercise.
So rather than be Pissed off about it, maybe my brain is taking me back to my “happy blooming as a person” and reminding me that the only thing that has changed is my massive collection of life experience.
I have constant pain, yes. I have fatigue..boy yes. I have so much shit wrong with me that it can seem overwhelming. But..and this is important… It hasn’t changed who I am.
I can still be fun and funny. I can still go out with my mates, just need to be careful with timing…
If I take this whole life long condition thing lying down, I am losing. I don’t want to lose. I’m still bloody furious and I want control of my life back.
I want to be the woman my husband fell in love with.
I want to be happy.
I may mourn my old life, but that may be as a butterfly mourns being a caterpillar?? Who knows.
Point is… 2016 is going to be MY year. And I WILL find a new normal.