Scars do not form on the dying

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I have been blogging now for about a year.
I started it as a way to get my thoughts together after the surgery to remove half a lung and the tumour buried within that lobe.

It’s been one hell of a journey.

I’m in remission.

Funny really, I only thought about that when my sister said it a week ago.

I’m not just recovering from surgery, I’m recovering from cancer.

It’s hard for me to say it as I do feel fraudulent about it.  I only knew about it for six weeks prior to surgery (I did have the tumour for three years before it was discovered), didn’t need any further treatment and have just been concentrated on the scar, the pain, the effect the lung removal has had on me.

However…..I have survived.

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I continue to survive. Like a boss.

I admit that when I stop being a stoic, stiff upper lip Brit, the pain is still terrible.  Mixed in with the Fibro I am very tired every day. I constantly hurt.
I’ve literally just sat on the sofa a bit too hard, hit my shoulder blade and it has set of a cascade of pain through my scar site.

Ow. But it also reminds me I’m alive. I’ve come through so much.

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Living is my next task.
Well done me for getting where I am now, but I want to LIVE.

To have fun, to enjoy things, my friends, family, days out. You know. Living.

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I know some days are still going to be hard, spoons will be a rare commodity… But I am going to live my life.

I am also due for my one year cancer check up in a few weeks. To be honest, never done it before, it’s freaking me out the thought that (miniscule as it is) there is a chance another tumour could be found. I want that day to pass with no scary news. To just be a year anniversary, count down a further four of these appointments and be declared cancer free and all clear.

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I’m good at surviving. I want to be good at living too.

My scar is a constant reminder of what I’ve been through.  Scars will fade.  As they fade my energy will increase, internal healing will have taken place, mental healing will be going on.
I will be ok.

I will be ok.

I’m the meantime, I will carry on with surviving. Living!!

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(Plastic ‘tache from a Christmas cracker, but I can carry that off, right!?)

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