Where did I leave my spoons?

Never been good with titles to be honest.

Today is not what I’d generally call a good day:

I did some gardening over the weekend which has knocked me for six..I’m in a complete spoon deficit.

So much so that when I woke up this morning I couldn’t even face going in to work, or working from home for that matter, so just took a days holiday at very short notice.

This is not like me..

I’ve always been very duty bound when it comes to work an used to go in..hell or high water, even if my pain was unbearable.  Lately, the pain has been too, too much, which sets off the IBS which in turn sets my anxiety off. This is a vicious circle I get trapped in. And I’m never sure which one actually comes first as they are always present really.

I’ve been having to get taxis into work just so I don’t have an extra layer of panic to deal with and can reach the office resembling a human being. This is not cheap.. (hence why I am asking for travel assistance from the government..still not holding my breath as I need to be assessed for this and I don’t look ill…) anyway,I digress…

I have had some very positive things happen lately. Progress with busses and the like.

But whenever I do something fun and that I want to do, I pay the price for days after.

My life has become a balancing act.  Do I do the thing? Have I got time for multiple recovery days afterwards??

March has been quite a difficult  month, which starts with my birthday and doing two days straight of things I want to do..big mad adventures to the other side of the country. (Believe in part I am still lagging behind spoon wise..just never quite caught up and it was BIG MAD ADVENTURES!!)

Then, work has been quite intensive, we’ve had visitors which needed extra mind space (not to mention sharing a toilet with them at work..oh you can get quite spoilt having a loo to yourself).. and all sorts of office based shenanigans I needed to be involved with.

Anyway, I am thinking “well, this is it, this is where I have to make a decision about my future”.

Basically I know my fibro is never going to get better… I know I will have better days, but this current flare is bigger and badder than anything I can remember. I don’t want this.
I don’t know how to not have this happen.

I know when my job finishes in about 18 months, I don’t want to have to go and find another job. I need to be able to rest and do something for me that will turn over cash enough that it doesn’t just rest with hubby to keep things afloat.

*dream sequence where my art and cushions suddenly start to sell for BIG money*

I have got some ideas so it’s not desperation stakes. And I’ve got time, but must act while I have the luxury of a wage to fall back on.

So….what to do?.. How to do it?.. When to do it?.. Will my body let me do it?..

Honestly, I don’t have the answers.

I am going to trust that I make the right decision at the right time.

*being rich dream sequence appears again..dammit this is distracting*

(I realise there is no direction to this particular post. I never promised one. I am just writing things down in a semi-sequence of events manner. I’m not overly motivational or inspiring either. Maybe I’ll try that one day.)